Let Me Tell You

They send me a message because, “God told them to”, and “they love me”.

Are we listening to the same God?

The message always reads something along the lines of, “You have been on my heart recently, and I want you to see the good God can do in your life, if you let Him”. There is often a sermon or Bible verse attached to a rambling message about my misdeeds; I wonder why they choose to use a sacred text to perpetuate hate. They call it compassion; I call it oppression.

I read the scripture. I listen to the sermon. Sometimes multiple times. I respond in as much kindness as possible. But I hate them.

I wonder at their accusations. Misled. Misguided. In need of prayer. The sins of my mother. Where was my father? I turned against Christ. Debauchery with the Devil.

Sign me up, Sinner, at least the Devil doesn’t mind getting kinky.

They all have strong opinions on my sex life. On my “struggle with same sex attraction”.

Why am I always a lesbian in this narrative? Where is my sexual fluidity? Has my gender taken the day off?

They never ask, but only assume. If they do ask, the questions route me back to a conversion story I want no part of. Different women are in my bed each night; I wonder where they’re finding all of these trans positive, sexually fluid women.

Sign me up, Sinner, sexual freedom is where it’s at.

They speak at me. I speak at them. No one listens. No one wants to change. I get angry. They pray. I snap. They tell me they don’t want to convert me. I quit responding; my heart has been scraped raw inside my chest. I think about what I want to actually tell them; they don’t deserve me. Or you. Or anyone.

I barely stop myself from responding.

Have you ever angry fucked after grown men with signs screamed obscenities at you simply for expressing affection? Because let me tell you, angry fucking in protest against men who’d rather see you dead is a hell of a rush.

Have you ever flipped off a car of young men after they screamed, “DYKE” out their window? They keep laughing and driving, but you and your partner watch for it to slow down, terrified they’ll turn around. Be ready to run. You encouraged them.

Have you ever fucked your way through years of internalized hate to self acceptance? Fucking is your rebellion, your resistance, and eventually your freedom. Sex is fucking beautiful when it’s you tearing down the cisheteropatriarchy.

Have you ever held your partner in front of unsupportive parents? Disgusting, sinful, selfish. How dare you force your lifestyle on them. The passive aggressive sneering. You’re carving out this space as people who are choosing to openly exist. This is a privilege. You will lose things. You already have.

Have you ever twined your fingers together with your partner’s? Only to quickly drop their hand when the looks, the words, the laughter, become too much? Have you ever kissed in protest? Homophobes hate wet tongues.

Have you ever been afraid of going to the bathroom? Which one do you use? You don’t really belong in either one. Your body has lost its sacredness. Peeing is your reclamation.

Have you ever seen the power of LGBTQIA2S+ existence in public? Felt the rage? The resistance? Rebellion? Lust? Desperation? Love? Let it swallow you.

Have you ever? Have you ever? Have you ever have you ever have you everhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyouever

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

 

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

 

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

 

 

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

 

 

 

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

 

 

 

 

Haveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyoueverhaveyou

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever fucking screamed your soul out in the face of hate?

 

-Kain

Unlearning the Evangelical in Me

I am unlearning the evangelical in me.

I hate the evangelical church.

I need to say that.

I learned God could never love me or any other LGBTQIA2S+ person. Not as we are.

I learned that HIV/AIDS was God’s punishment for being gay.

I learned that Intersex people where proof of the Fall and the sinfulness of Man.

I learned that my sexual purity was the equivalent of a piece of duct tape. The more sex I had, the less important, less useful, less necessary was that duct tape, and in essence, me.

I learned that LGBTQIA2s+ folks would lead to the downfall of our nation.

I learned that as someone assigned female at birth, I was required to submit.

I learned that my voice did not matter.

I learned that being LGBTQIA2S+ meant I could never be close to God.

I learned that God could make me straight and cis if only I prayed hard enough. If it didn’t happen, I didn’t mean it.

I learned to hate myself, to repress myself, to wish I would die instead of being who I was.

I learned that people who say they’ll always love you only mean it if you’re cis and straight.

I learned to hate other LGBTQIA2S+ people.

I learned that people you never talk to will try to convert you when they see a chance to.

I learned that my faith only mattered if it looked like theirs.

I learned that Billy Graham is a bigger Jesus than Jesus.

I learned that middle aged men and women care a lot about who you have sex with and how you have it.

I learned that being open and loud about my identity would cost me relationships and community.

I learned that I chose to be LGBTQIA2S+ because God would never fuck up and make something like me.

I learned that who I’m attracted to is a bigger sin than murder.

I learned that I was predatory.

I learned that I was wrong.

I learned that I could never love or be loved.

I learned I could be gay as long as I hate myself and never love someone else.

I learned I could never be trans.

I learned that God was literal and God was a man.

I learned I didn’t agree with that.

I learned I was gay/trans because my mom brought sin into our home.

I learned that I’m the only one who gets to trash talk my mom. They learned that too.

I learned that acceptance and love aren’t the same thing because love is supposed to look a lot like hate.

I learned that the church should be a leader in denying human rights.

I learned that I shouldn’t have rights.

I learned that my relationships could never be real.

I learned I can only love one man in my entire life.

I learned I’m just lying to myself.

I learned leaving the church was the only way I’d find God.

I learned a God who loves LGBTQIA2S+ folks can’t be a real God. 

I learned I’d take that God over the evangelical God.

I’m unlearning the evangelical in me.

–Kain