Unlearning the Evangelical in Me

I am unlearning the evangelical in me.

I hate the evangelical church.

I need to say that.

I learned God could never love me or any other LGBTQIA2S+ person. Not as we are.

I learned that HIV/AIDS was God’s punishment for being gay.

I learned that Intersex people where proof of the Fall and the sinfulness of Man.

I learned that my sexual purity was the equivalent of a piece of duct tape. The more sex I had, the less important, less useful, less necessary was that duct tape, and in essence, me.

I learned that LGBTQIA2s+ folks would lead to the downfall of our nation.

I learned that as someone assigned female at birth, I was required to submit.

I learned that my voice did not matter.

I learned that being LGBTQIA2S+ meant I could never be close to God.

I learned that God could make me straight and cis if only I prayed hard enough. If it didn’t happen, I didn’t mean it.

I learned to hate myself, to repress myself, to wish I would die instead of being who I was.

I learned that people who say they’ll always love you only mean it if you’re cis and straight.

I learned to hate other LGBTQIA2S+ people.

I learned that people you never talk to will try to convert you when they see a chance to.

I learned that my faith only mattered if it looked like theirs.

I learned that Billy Graham is a bigger Jesus than Jesus.

I learned that middle aged men and women care a lot about who you have sex with and how you have it.

I learned that being open and loud about my identity would cost me relationships and community.

I learned that I chose to be LGBTQIA2S+ because God would never fuck up and make something like me.

I learned that who I’m attracted to is a bigger sin than murder.

I learned that I was predatory.

I learned that I was wrong.

I learned that I could never love or be loved.

I learned I could be gay as long as I hate myself and never love someone else.

I learned I could never be trans.

I learned that God was literal and God was a man.

I learned I didn’t agree with that.

I learned I was gay/trans because my mom brought sin into our home.

I learned that I’m the only one who gets to trash talk my mom. They learned that too.

I learned that acceptance and love aren’t the same thing because love is supposed to look a lot like hate.

I learned that the church should be a leader in denying human rights.

I learned that I shouldn’t have rights.

I learned that my relationships could never be real.

I learned I can only love one man in my entire life.

I learned I’m just lying to myself.

I learned leaving the church was the only way I’d find God.

I learned a God who loves LGBTQIA2S+ folks can’t be a real God. 

I learned I’d take that God over the evangelical God.

I’m unlearning the evangelical in me.

–Kain